Broken & Bound

The Bad, The Ugly & The Clean
Issue #1

We join our “heroes” entering the Levels’ Institute for the Future. A cavernous facility filled with buzzing of scantily-clad secretaries & miniature drones wheeling about at break-neck speed.

They are met by an oddly, if at all, dressed man who conscripts our party of ne’er-do-wells into obtaining a “package”. This package was a world renown robiticst named Thomas Ederii, who resides in Scotland. Though there is no promise of material recompense, the effeminate host holds over each member something that will make sure that they will obey.

Obey they do, and after some nun-robbing & manslaughter, the party arrives in Glascow. They find the domicile of their prey and begin “scoping out” the area. Other than some OCD neighbors & a 24-hour gas station, no one has even noticed them. Their target, though occupied in some strange ritual, is there & has yet to recognize his predicament.

The Green Mummy (a thief & worse, wearing strange garments of his namesake) makes his way in the front door towards our unsuspecting quarry. The others stand watch at all sides of the building, to prevent this slippery victim’s escape. Inside stands the all too conveniently unaware target walking about his house. Smelling a rat, and weary of the eyes of creepy children at his back, TGM makes his way back outside.

At the same time, the rest of the group begins to see strangeness in the windows of the neighbors. Smelling a trap, the Lord Steven Drake (Herald of Chaos & all around weirdo in a double tux) sets the building on fire. A child rushes from the flames, though is quickly extinguished by an eldritch bolt of Lord Drake. The child was more than he seemed & A. Kingpin (the eccentric, monstrous-sized CEO of I’m Not Evil inc.) deduced it to be a short-range security bot & tracking beacon.

Off to find a place to drink think while the building burned, the party sought solace in a Radioshack. Before any ground could be gained in devising a way to understand the beacon Kingpin destroyed their tracking beacon. Not a moment after The Black Shadow (a mystical cat burglar, with a penchant for spontaneous combustion) arrived late, bringing along his own tracking beacon, conveniently given by Levels earlier.

Then the Radioshack caught fire. Weirdly starting with a metal tool box, but then some piping & gutters as well. Soon the culprit was found, Thomas Ederii himself was somehow combusting iron… until he was hit in the face by a flaming pistol & sat on by Hammer & Sickle(a communist duo consisting of a Soviet in a super-suit & a loudmouthed china man with an AK47). Before “passing out”, Ederii called out for help with a cheery jingle.

From the sky came a Lemony-Scented Glow & behold where there 8 Orbs of Justice, cleaning the streets & holding back this tide of evil. Bolts of madness, blades, bullets, fists & all manor of explosions abound, but the Orbs proved to be formidable foes. Justice seemed to prevail, and then some bullshit about 3 fucking Jokers in a row on the same fucking guy , but our protagonists were able to defeat his cleanliness (mostly with a bus).

Though not unscathed & possibly cursed forever, the protagonists captured Ederii & made it back to the Levil’s Tower. Though there was the gripes of no pay and whines of the confiscation of their trophies, our friends were congratulated for their efforts. Levels himself seemed more than pleased with this series of events, and the party was content to know that they were one step closer to freedom.

Meanwhile….

Muttering phrases of madness, summoning powers well beyond his understanding, Lord Drake had stayed back in Scotland. A wave of psychic energy erupted from LD & then two more reverberated back throughout the town. Evil stirred in LD’s belly, but a grin spread across his face. The town turned inside-out as night became day & day became night. No one knows what evil was awoken that day, but everyone knows what happened next….

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Diary of a Madman
Issue #2

Today the group I am traveling with finished up dealing with bird-guy, I think he was the owl. It is beyond me why anyone would give a hoot about the man. He seemed fairly pointless, although his girlfriend was a looker. I could have done without those heels though, they had an edge to them.

We got a bunch of useful information out of bird-boy, but, like normal, I assume we will not piece it together and then ignore it totally going forward. After we dispatched him, some of his friends showed up, so we high-tailed it out of there and hi-jacked an old VW Van. It was servicable as a vehicle, although I had the urge to go pick up a brown great dane to travel with.

Progressing through town, someone was following us. I can only assume it was super-redundancy man. He kept showing up again, and again, and again. Really, who does that? Whoever it was, I politely asked him to pull over, he sort of did and then hit the back of our styling van. We blasted him a bit, the gorilla then actually had a good idea and shot some guy who happened to be holding two suitcases of money. (How did he know that?) Who would have thought gorilla boy would have such a good idea. Anyway, annoying man got away in his car and the rest of the group ran around like a bunch of kids grabbing candy. Really, have some dignity people! I just politely asked one of the local gentleman to hand over his money and he quickly obliged. He obviously understood and respected the power of Great Ones.

We then took a flight to DC. We really had no clue what to do. As I suspected, we pretty much discarded any attempt at organization. At least we are true to the aspects of Chaos. We toyed with the thought of going in incognito, but I doubt that will work. Let’s face it, I am way too good looking for people to not recognize me. Anyway, several of the group went into a strip club, I guess they needed to “think” a bit. Poor chaps, they are pretty nappy, I imagine even a strip club would be expensive for them. The mummy was prepared though, I think he had enough ones to bankroll the club for a week.

I decided to rest in the park when I had a bout of extreme intestinal evacuation. Apparently those two empanadas I got from a street vendor did not go down well. If I see that jack-ass again I should disembowel him, although I guess there was a plus side. The bout did perk up my friend. (Ha, not that friend.) The little chaos-spawn I seem to be carrying finally woke up and started to whip up a little trouble by causing a small earthquake and tornado. It was nice to see the little fellow showing some fiestiness. The downside to his waking up was that a swarm of “supers” thought I was responsible. They did something to put the little guy to sleep and then took me in for questioning.

I was taken deep into the halls of justice. It was obviously created by redundancy boy, it went on and on and on and on and on. I was a bit lost and was eventually placed into some room. After a while, the room shattered and I was in a hall with my two captors, a centurion dressed guy and a guy in a trench coat. The centurion really needs a new outfit, or at least needs to lose a few pounds. He has a pretty big ass for a skirt.

It appeared as though one of my group members, the slinky shadow guy was the one who had sprung me from some sort of chamber. I shall have to thank him for that. Maybe I can arrange for him to get a new suit, maybe then he won’t feel the need to keep hiding in the shadows.

I blasted and wounded my two captors, but the skirt boy hit me with his sword and, seriously, that hurt like hell.

Note to self: when large men with swords are swinging them at you, move.

The two “heros” fled like two school girls and I was able to grab the “Truth Ray” from them in the process. (Seriously, do I have to do everything?) Whatever. Now I guess we need to figure out how to get the hell out of here before they come back with their friends. I wonder if slinky has a clue how to get out?

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DoaM 2
Issue #3

Today the saga continues. We started with slinky boy and myself stuck deep in some extra-dimensional space in Goodie Boy Headquarters. I had a rough idea of how to get out, so slinky and I roamed around and found the elevator I was brought down on. We took the elevator up and were greeted by a large group of pissed off supers. Slinky grabbed me and teleported us through shadows to safety. Pretty nifty actually. Maybe I should get slinky a puppy, I think he needs a little love. (Maybe a black lab.) I was than able to telepathically tell the rest of the group that I did their job for them and it was time to head home.

The next day we went to meet with our deranged employer, he wasn’t available so we met with one of his lackeys. I handed over the truth ray and he used it on me to get the truth about how we obtained it. Ohhh, how clever of him. To bad I didn’t have an extra cookie on me.

Afterward, I went back and relaxed a bit. After the centurions smack down last mission, (Did I mention how much that fucking hurt?) I decided I needed a little R & R. I went out and got a couple new suits and spent a couple days in a nice hotel. Sadly, this town has a lack of quality women. Maybe I should consider heading to other cities between missions. Rumor has it that Glasgow has had some visitors since the last time I was there. I will have to head up there soon to check out the scene.

Several days later, the freak summoned us to his weak-ass base. He was basically naked. I will give the guy credit, he must have a huge ego. To be that small and be that comfortable naked is impressive. Hopefully he gets the point that I am not interested – he really needs to stop these lame advancements. Primarily because they are more than a little creepy, but secondly because he just isn’t all that. (Gorilla guy did seem to blush a bit at the freakazoid, maybe he has a crush on him.) Anyway, we got our mission which was to head into the Congo and return with the Tablet of Zecor. The freaks father, Professor Levels, was supposedly lost on this excursion.

Mummy suggested we do some research before heading to the Congo and further suggested heading to a local university. The group assembled and head over there. We met with some guy who was a little belligerent at first, but I was able to persuade him to be a bit more personable. He gave us a little background and showed us a crystal case that contained several artifacts, one of which was a book that had been wiped clean. Forgetting my physics class, I decided to fire the crazy beam weapon I got from bird man into the crystal. On the plus side, everyone in the room but individuals in our group were toasted, but the downside was that a couple of the artifacts were destroyed, particularly the horn, which I really wanted. I was able to grab jeweled scepter with a skull on the end. The mummy picked up a necklace and blue-hair snatched some mask.

At this point, I realized that we really didn’t know where in the Congo we needed to go. I went over to the Levels institute and asked a receptionist if they had any information on the location of the safari that the professor was lost. The receptionist informed me that Professor Levels wasn’t dead but upstairs in his office. I thanked her for the information and scheduled a meeting for 3:00 PM that day. We had lunch. (I shied away from the empanadas.) We returned later and spoke with a very elderly Professor Levels. He said that he had traveled to the Congo and had been unsuccessful in finding anything associated with the Table of Zecor. I asked him to provide us with a map and coordinates, which he was nice enough to do. Interestingly enough, Levels explained to us that he didn’t have any children because his wife died early in his career and he never remarried. (Not sure why that would mean he doesn’t have any children, unless he likes cold water and jalapenos.)

The group then acquired some provisions for jungle travel and flew up into the Congo. We met some tribe and asked for some information about our artifacts. The mask scared the shit out of the shaman. Ohh, I want that mask. The shaman said the necklace and the scepter were evil and powerful. The Mummy wanted to sell the necklace to the shaman, but I was able to make a deal with him. I traded the goofy gun and ring I snagged off the bird man for the necklace. Now I have two of the three artifacts of power. Oh yeah!

One other point, the tribe we spoke with mentioned that the group traveling to find the tablet years earlier had all died!

We traveled for a while, with me once again leading the group. Blue-hair did provide a little help by having us avoid some spiders in the jungle. We camped for the night and found some super archer robin hood wanna-be. He led us a short while to a village of interesting fellows. They seemed to be a bit cannibalistic and definitely followers of some greater powers. One of their warriors and I demonstrated some capabilities to each other. He showed me a small magical device that made a small explosion, I then showed him some of what it could do in the hands of someone with real power. He acquiesced by giving the device to his superior, me.

Apparently while I was off doing that, blue-hair had given the mask to the local shaman. He put it on and a very strange thing occurred. Several of the weaker residents were pulled into the air and their flesh was stripped from their skins. Their corpses then fell to the group. Fuck – I need that mask!

The group then traveled towards our objective via an old trail. I was able to successfully navigate and guide our group past several traps. We then came to a trap laden cave when slinky set off all the dart traps. (I guess that is one way through.) Blue-hair then apparently set off some trap that got us stranded inside the cave with a miniature bear. He is following slinky around at the moment. Maybe the bear would be a good substitute for lab puppy?

A couple of unanswered questions:

Who the hell is freak-boy if he isn’t Levels son?
Was that really Levels we spoke with? He supposedly died on his mission, and that was backed up by the tribe we spoke to.
Why am I craving empanadas?

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